The “I’m Feeling Sorry For Myself” Period

So, I think it was a bug that has led to a relapse of sorts.

It makes sense…bugs are often the trigger for many conditions like POTS and ME, so if I had one that made my body go a bit doolally, then I totally understand why I’m experiencing what I am.

When looking back online through things that might help, I always come across the more ‘spiritual’ ways of healing yourself. Confronted with books, youtube videos, testimonials about ways of thinking that can help you heal. I’m not denying that these work for many, many people, but for me…it just makes me uncomfortable. I’m not a spiritual person. I don’t believe that we are eternal and a bright shiny light emits radiantly (or whatever) from all of us. It’s just not me.

I like practical. I like logical. Because that’s what works and has always worked for me. On an academic level I’ve always wanted to know what it feels like to be spiritual or to believe in god. This belief in something that you just can’t quantify must be extremely comforting to people who do. I just don’t. We can spend half a day meditating, and yes, it may be amazing (once you’re able to do it!) but to me that’s not living in the real world. I have stuff to do. I don’t believe in, or feel, any of this stuff.

In fact, when I was Birthright and visited Israel, I thought I’d have my moment. Sunset. New Year’s Eve, the Western Wall, Shabbat. Feeling uncomfortable I made my way up the wall, thinking that if something was going to happen it would happen now. Unable to shake a feeling of fraudishness (yes, that’s a word I just invented), I approached the wall, posted a wish thing in it and backed away. Nope. Nothing. Oh well. And then I slipped on the beautiful slippery stone and dislocated my knee. A sure sign that God hates me! Woo.

Anyway! What I’m experiencing now is most definitely POTS and EDS related. There’s a very particular histamine feeling I get when they’re going a bit bonkers and it’s not that. And the depression has kicked in big time. I don’t want to talk to anyone, be around anyone. It’s too much effort. A big part of that is probably to do with all the social networks that I’m involved in, and I’ve just turned off notifications for everything to keep those bloody pings from taking over my day like they usually do. I’ve spent so much time thinking about other people, that it has been taking away the energy that I need to be spending on myself.

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I’m still trying to make sure I get my work for my job done, because that’s got to be my priority in how I spend my time. I literally can’t get over how amazing my company are. On Tuesday I sat down with my boss and the head of people to discuss how I’m feeling and what they can do to help support me. I don’t know why, but it just makes me uncomfortable that they’d have to put extra time and effort into managing my health. And I know, I really do, that it’s only to help put me at the same level as everyone else, and that it’s only fair. But I hate feeling incompetent because of my body. I told them that whatever I’d need to do, I’ll push through. They told me they don’t want me to do that if it means it’ll have a negative impact on my health. But if this is the relapse I think it is, it’s going to take a while for me to get back on track, and without pushing through I won’t be doing anything!

It’s just that for some reason, I can’t mentally do what I know I should be doing right now. My body is hating food, so I don’t want to eat. I’m being force fed . I don’t understand why I lose weight so quickly when this happens. It’s just like last year. It’s almost overnight. When I’m more stable, and I do cleanses and don’t eat much at all, I barely lose weight. I wonder if it’s the constant POTS attacks and attempts at regulation that are causing my body to burn more calories.

I know that I should go back to the plan I initiated when I first changed my diet. A juice, a smoothie and a soup a day. I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to think about food, and I don’t want to eat/drink them. It feels too much like going back to a place I never wanted to go back to. In fact, I’d rather stuff my face with a massive cheesy pizza (I haven’t) and make myself sicker than do that. Because I clearly am mental. I am going to try and do some super gentle exercise, though. Hopefully it will help with the depression and with shake my body up a bit. Although my right shoulder blade has been in the wrong place for days, and it’s starting to get super painful. The bastard.

I also had an interesting chat with my family yesterday while watching the incredibly moving opening ceremony of the Invictus Games. Undoubtedly incredible men and women who have overcome more than they should have in the service of their country, the games also made me think about the way that events like this are often covered in the media. Yes, the athletes are incredibly inspiring, but they’re often reported alongside an editorial sentiment about how all you need to succeed and push through is mental strength and determination. It makes me wholly uncomfortable. Bar this week and a few blips here and there, I think I possess a lot of mental strength, and I push through al the time. But for me, right now, getting out of bed requires nearly all the strength I’ve got. Writing this will probably use up most of what I’ve got for the day. Walking around the block will use up both mental and physical. People are on a journey (god, I hate that word), and building up unrealistic expectations about what people who are ill, disabled, or injured can do. The people in the Invictus Games and the Paralympics are exceptional. Nothing short of it. But I have conditions of athletes represented at London 2012…doesn’t mean that if I will it into being and working my arse off I’ll become a swimming champion. We all have our peak. And right now, I’d be happy with being able to go to work five days a week.

But this ‘willing’ brings me back to the spiritual. I can say to myself all I want that I’m not going to be sick, that I’m fine. Does absolutely bugger all for me. When I was out on Friday, I didn’t go out thinking that the food is going to make me sick, that I’m going to be tired. Not even a little bit. And bam.

Sometimes real life just gets in your way.

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